Honestly….

This has been one of the toughest, roughest weeks I think I have had in a very long time. I don’t even know where to start. I honestly don’t even know if I want to share my feelings. I feel like I am spinning my wheels and going no where. Lack of sleep hasn’t help either. I am very glad Spring Break is this week. Maybe I can get a break from this circus. Monday started out good, then Mia got vaccines, then a fever, then was up all night. I was worried her vaccines were having a reaction, she ended up having strep again. I haven’t felt great, Shawn is in horrible pain and there is nothing I can do for him. I feel helpless……this is a horrible feeling. He has been great at telling me not to worry about him, but if you love someone so much it hurts you can’t not worry. We will weather this storm, but right now I feel like it is a hurricane. Sorry to be such a downer, but this helps me to get this all out. It is somewhat difficult for me to talk about all of this with anyone except for Shawn and my close family. People ask me how I am doing and I say hanging in there, but I literally mean “hanging in there”. I then brush it off and put the focus somewhere else. This is a flaw in me, I want to be the smile and hope, not the burden for people. I forget it is me going through this with my family. I want to make people comfortable, not make them feel sorry for me. So I suppose these feeling are all normal when you go through a life changing event, but even though they are normal they are tough. We went to the Easter Pageant last night, thanks to a great friend who has been wonderful through all of this. Jesus was preaching the sermon on the mount and he said to a lady Your blessed when your overwhelmed, Matthew 5:3″You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. This is exactly the reminder I needed. God I just want more of you! We all need less of us, and more of you. When we take the focus off of us we can see the reward. Thank you for all of your prayers, they really do help us get through the day just knowing there are people that love us and pray for us. Shawn has 8 more radiation treatments, and I pray they go quickly for him, please pray the same. Alana